


Quiet

by 9r7g5h



Series: 1000 Days of Xena [48]
Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Crack Fic, F/F, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:38:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/9r7g5h/pseuds/9r7g5h
Summary: By the gods, they were loud. All he wanted was for them to be quiet.





	Quiet

**Author's Note:**

> AN: So this was request 432, which was sent in by @sapphicxena. That request ended up being “Muffled, from the other side of the wall.” I know Joxer’s your boy, so I started with him and this fic went wildly out of my control. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Xena.

Joxer loved traveling with Xena and Gabrielle. He honestly did. They were great friends, the very best who had done nothing but love and support him with everything they had (even if Gabrielle could be a little bit annoying at time), and he would do anything for them. He loved them like he would have loved his own sisters, if he had had any. Every day he spent with them was a blessing from the gods, not one he would turn away anytime soon. 

But _by the gods_ , they were loud.

He wasn't stupid. Ok, maybe he was sometimes, but he wasn't blind. He had seen the way Xena and Gabrielle looked at each other, had walked into their camp unannounced many times and seen the clothing scattered across the camp sight, and had even made innocent little comments about the bruises that suspiciously looked like bite marks that tended to appear on Xena's neck, right where her hair would supposedly cover them. He was dating Meg, for Zeus' sake, and even if he hadn't figured it out on his own, her comments about them would have made the pieces fall into place quite easily.

He knew they were lovers, that they were just trying to keep it on the down low so Gabrielle wouldn't be more of a target- at least, that's what he would do, and since he and Xena were practically the same person, it made sense she would do the same- so he respected that. He played ignorant of their little touches and intimate looks, willingly walked off when Xena asked him to go "scout" somewhere that would take him away from camp for at least an hour, and just rolled his eyes to himself at how obvious they were.

He was happy to do it; he loved them, and he was just glad that they themselves were happy and in love.

" _Don't, don't stop, I'm_ -"

But enough was enough. This was the third inn they had stayed at in a week, and the third horrible night's rest he had had in the exact same time span. While he was sure the two of them could, theoretically, have sex quietly if their lives depended on it, at the moment he was pretty sure 'quiet' wasn't a word in their vocabulary. He had heard sounds no man should ever have to hear the women he thought of as his sisters make, and now had to live with the knowledge that, out of the two of them, Gabrielle was the _really_ kinky one (he also owed Meg _and_ Autolycus five dinars next time he saw them). He hadn't been able to meet their eyes in days, and he was tired of it.

As a moan reached his ears- though the thick wooden walls, through the three blankets he had pulled over his head, through the pillow he had pressed against his ears, Joxer decided enough was enough.

Before he could really think about it, Joxer had climbed out of bed, pulled on a pair of pants, left the safety of his own room, and started pounding on their door.

"Xena! Gabrielle! We _need_ to talk."

Silence. Pure, unbroken silence, a pleasant break from the sounds that had emanated from the room before. Quiet voices, just barely audible as they spoke- so they could keep it down, if they wanted to. Surprise surprise. The sound of rustling, of feet on wooden floors, and the door partly opened to reveal Xena.

A Xena wearing her under shift, her hair a wild mess around her face, an eyebrow raised and a dangerous look in her eyes that made Joxer almost wish he had just sucked it up and dealt with it. But it was too late now, and besides. Enough was enough.

"Look," Joxer said, cutting in before Xena could begin to speak, "I love you guys. You know I do.  You're some of my best friends, almost like sisters in a way, and I would do anything for you. You know that, right?"

Xena just gave a quick little nod, curious as to where this was going.

"However," Joxer continued, feeling a little bit more comfortable that he had gotten this far and Xena hadn't killed him yet, "I can't keep it a secret any longer. I know. I know you and Gabrielle are a couple, that you're sleeping together, and if you love me at all, _please. Buy a gag_." He almost stopped when he heard a sharp yelp and someone hitting the floor, a sound that had Xena glancing over her shoulder back towards where he assumed the bed was, but he couldn't.

Having gotten the first sentence out, he had to keep going.

"A man can only listen to his sisters play 'Warlord and Servant Girl' so many times before he starts to lose his mind," Joxer continued, starting to pace back and forward in front of the room- thus missing the amused look that crossed Xena's face as she crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway. "And I can hear you guys; I can hear _everything_. I never would have guessed that your voice could go that high, Xena, but now I know it can! And I don't want to know that. I don't want to know that Gabrielle is some baby dominatrix in training so you guys can switch off, I don't want to know that your safe word is 'kiwi,' whatever in Tartarus that means, and I don't want to know that you carry around five different kinds of rope. But now I do."

He could feel his voice rising, knew he was making a little bit of a scene, but he couldn't help it. He was exhausted, knew so much more about the girls than he ever wanted to, and he was _done_.

"I'm not asking you to stop having sex; by the gods, I know that would have to be the work of one of them to make you guys keep your hands off each other. But a gag would make it so I couldn't hear you clearly though the walls, and-"

Joxer wanted to continue, but his words were quickly cut off as a hand grabbed him by the ear, twisting until all that came from his mouth was a sharp yelp. Jerking away as the angry fingers let him go, Joxer gulped as he found himself staring down a very angry Gabrielle. A very angry Gabrielle wrapped in a sheet and glaring at him like she was about to use said sheet to kill him.

He had seen many terrifying things in his life, but this moment probably took the cake, if Joxer was honest.

"Joxer," Gabrielle growled, her voice coming through gritted teeth, "I think both of us would appreciate it if you stop yelling about our sex life."

"Oh, _I'm_ yelling about it," Joxer said, incredulously. "' _Oh, harder, Xena, fuck me harder_!'" His voice was pitched in a bad imitation of Gabrielle's, but there was no mistaking the words she had practically screamed less than half an hour ago, words so clearly audible by anyone around. Which was who knew how many patrons, since the decent sized inn was supposed to be, according to the inn keep, at least half full. "Like you're the one to talk."  

Joxer was now sure he was going to die. At least get decked, by the way Gabrielle's hands had curled into fists. Thankfully Xena, who seemed to find all of this more amusing than anything else, stepped between them, her hands held out to keep some distance between them.

"Gabrielle," Xena said, her voice commanding, "calm down. Sorry, Joxer," she said, turning to face him. "I didn't realize the walls were that thin. We'll keep it down, alright?"

"That's all I'm askin." Joxer nodded in thanks at Xena's words, and watched as the two of them, Xena leading Gabrielle ever so slightly back into the room to prevent the fight, turned to leave. And he knew he had won, he knew he shouldn't have pushed it.

But he was an idiot and a bit of an asshole when he was tired and had to.

"Hey, Gabrielle."

The blonde paused at her name, ignoring Xena's guiding arm to turn and look back at him, her head ever so slightly cocked to the side in silent question.

"Next time we talk," Joxer said, his eyes lowering to the thick strip of leather still tied around her neck, "take off the collar first."

Joxer went to bed with a broken nose, yes, but it was quiet for the rest of the night, and for all of the nights to come. So he took it and slept.


End file.
